Third time is a charm

This morning I sat down at the computer to write a blog welcoming in 2019. I drafted it, reread it and set it down. I'm already in a bit of a funk, I dropped C off at his father's house last night for the week. While it was completely ridiculous to have him with me for the week at work, I miss him like crazy. This morning I felt that it was New Years and I wanted to be one of those girls who had an amazing person to kiss at midnight. I spent the day feeling sorry for myself and having a cruddy outlook on the last day of 2018. I dropped a friend off at the airport this evening and headed home. It is getting cold and potentially icy, plus I just don't like being on the road for NYE. As I drove home I talked to my mom and a good friend. My attitude adjusted a bit. As I pulled up closer to my house my attitude faded. I ran into Safeway and grabbed a few things for myself this evening and as I walked into the house I realized, I don't really have it as bad as my attitude was...

I've spent a lot of my life not knowing or understanding my worth. Recently this plunge back into the dating scene has caused me to focus on what I am truly worth and what I am and am not, willing to put up with. I'm worth more than the last two guys I married ever treated me like and it managed to get me into this mind frame that those relationships were the best I was going to get. Wrong. I'm a good person, I volunteer - I'm active in my son's life. I'm not going to settle for someone less than what I want. I'm not in a hurry to fall in love with anyone. Heck, I'm not entirely sure I even know what love is when it comes to loving someone other than family. However, I'm slowly learning to fall in love with myself. Physically i'm not where I want to be, however I am really interested in joining the new Kickboxing gym coming in local to me. (Anyone else want to join with me?!) I'm so very thankful for my close friends who have helped support...

I have a date this weekend. We've been texting on and off for awhile. He got back together with his ex at one point about a year ago and honestly I shouldn't have been even thinking of dating that close to when H2 and a I split. He emailed me again on POF and we started texting again. It's been about three weeks of nonstop texting. We seem to get along well. There are definitely some things we don't agree on... which includes politics, but unlike H2 and I (oh politics and that man, insane) we can agree to disagree on things. He's from Ohio, he messages me "Good Morning Beautiful" every morning when he wakes up. I think it's cute in a ridiculous way. He drives a truck and owns a Harley. I've never ridden a motorcycle before, but it sounds like fun. He says his worst habit is being an asshole when people are rude to him. I can live with that, as long as he keeps it in check. Anyway, i'll be an interesting date. I'm not sure what we are do...

It's a serious blog type of day... When H2 and I split a good friend of mine (who just happens to be a therapist) recommended a therapist for me to go see. For awhile I was hesitant because in my own head seeing a therapist meant that something was wrong and something being wrong meant that H2 had gotten to me. In hindsight now I can look back on the years we spent together and honestly say that man mentally and emotionally destroyed me. The damage was done during our relationship, not after and the destruction was deeper then I could have ever imagined. Within a few sessions my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD. I asked a lot of questions because PTSD was reserved for troops and people who had seen and been through horrible things in their life. PTSD is for people who have served in wars and suffered losses that I could not scratch the surface of being able to relate to. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it was that point where I really began to realize the fragile mental positio...

I'm feeling quite philosophical today. As our typical Seattle fall afternoon falls into place gray rainy and wet. I sit watching the rain fall in my flannel Costco jacket, listening to some Amazon Prime. It's a Friday afternoon and I have weekend plans that include paint your own pottery with friends, laundry, baseball and just some relaxing. The house is clean (I hired a house keeper, BEST decision EVER), I could probably do some grocery shopping at some point. Oh and I need to stop by and purchase cub scout popcorn from C, who is selling with his dad this weekend at the local Safeway. I was supposed to go out with a guy tonight, however it ended up he had to work and honestly, i'm in no hurry. He just kinda fell into my lap. While I still wonder about PCG every once in awhile, his actions caused me to realize that I don't think he is the person he presented himself to be. I had higher expectations for him. It makes me sad that he made the behavior choices that he ...

My most recent texting conversation... I'm not even sure what to call this guy, but by the end I was definitely baiting him for my own entertainment purposes. There was a strange obsession with an App called WhatsApp, I refused to download it on my phone - here's how it went down... Can you please help do something?    What? I want you to download WhatsApp because it's easy to use.     Nope. Why?     I don't want it on my phone. Because I cannot continue like this     Well, I'm sorry to hear that you can't continue to text message on your phone. WhatsApp is easy to text and do video call.     Your cell phone can't text or do video call? What do you mean?     Never mind. So please let use that communicate     This isn't going to work. Good luck on your search for the perfect WhatsApp girl. …. oh here's where it gets good. My mom called and I ended up on the phone with her for 15 minut...

I've texted, he hasn't replied. I'm done - I may have messed up, but it's his loss as much as mine. I'm not going to chase someone down who obviously can't take the time to text back. Not going to lie, it sucks, but it is what it is and it's time to get over it. It's time to throw myself into other activities. Fall is my favorite season, so we have multiple pumpkin patch trips planned this year. Washington has amazing fall colors and it's surprisingly warm during the day, which makes for some fun trips. C's Scouting troop is going to take over a corn maze one of the weekends, it'll definitely be entertaining! Next thing I know it'll be Halloween, C's birthday in November, Thanksgiving, Christmas and 2019 will be knocking at our door. In my head i'm already making some resolutions for 2019, however i'm planning on starting them in 2018. The first resolution might just be stop stressing over guys who don't stress over yo...

More than anything I’m sad because I lost a friend. Someone who I told everything to, the good, the bad and the ugly. Someone who I would catch myself looking at my phone, just to see if there was a message. I lost someone who I adored due to my own lack of confidence and ability to understand relationships. I lost someone I romantically enjoyed but what hits me the most is the loss of the friendship. I don’t know that I’ve cver looked at a boyfriend or husband as a friend. This was a first for me. I’ve always left relationships mad and it’s gotten me through the pain. I’m not mad this time. I texted him Friday night, anxiously checking my phone, wishing to see the name of my friend pop up, but it never did. I can’t blame him, I have re read and over analyzed the conversation we had a million times and each time I sound like more of a bitch. I shouldn’t have texted because the lack of reply just stings more. I shouldn’t have gotten attached because when you put down walls this is what ...

It's frustrating when you try to get someone off your mind and they just keep coming back. It's the stupid stuff, like my car is in the shop and they came back with stuff wrong with it. My impulse was to pick up my phone and tell him about it. Nope, can't do that. It's the little things that sting, like putting hydrogen peroxide on a cut. It hurts for a bit, but then it goes away... until you scrape it on something else and need to clean it again. It's a circular thing. It is nice to know that nice guys still exist though. He did give me hope that there are some decent guys out there. I'm still pretty darn convinced they are few and far between. I need to get over this guy before I even think about finding anyone else. It's nice to know though. It provides just a sliver of hope, much like a sun's ray through the rain and clouds. In a world where people can't bother to hold doors for each other anymore it's nice to know good people are still out...

I went to text him goodnight tonight, but I realized we broke up today and I shouldn’t. It was on fine terms, I brought up some concerns and things just kinda fell into a downward spiral. I’m sure it didn’t help that everything was via text, but it’s probably a good thing that he couldn’t hear my voice crack or the tears well in my eyes. Over thinking things is something I do when I’m not feeling comfortable with a situation, when the ground becomes shaky and my confidence waivers. When I should pull people in I push away. It’s what I do, it’s pobably what I did. My mind just races and there is no stopping that steam engine. I’m sad, I wish him the best... I’ve survived break ups before, I’ll survive it again but it doesn’t seem to take away the hurt. The sing of the cut, layered with the exhaustion of a really long weekend has me in an overly emotional fragile state of mind. So here I lay, blogging in bed... it is what it is, the walls go back up and again I wonder if there is someone...

361 days ago I got a message over Facebook. "Stephanie, can I ask you who your husband is...?" After a bit more back and forth conversation and some picture proof I realized that my husband, who had been devoted to working on the house he purchased for us, wasn't really working on the house. He was spending time with his new wife and her kids. I've spent the better part of a year dwelling and obsessing... where is he..? what is he doing..? WHO is he doing..? This was followed by the Why's. Why me? Why her? and the what's... What did I do wrong? I was laying in bed last night thinking about everything when my thoughts changed. They changed to everything that is great going on. I have an amazing group of friends who have been so supportive of the ups and downs the past year. I've made new friends, grown closer with some friends and have gotten to the point where I can date a wonderfully understanding guy, who I am continually thankful for. I've re...

First of all, wonderful news - I'm officially divorced. I wasn't sure how I'd feel the day it happened, but in the end the amount of relief off of my shoulders was amazing. I talked to H2's newest wife a couple days leading up to the divorce, she's got herself in one heck of a bad situation. There is a part of me that wanted to help save her from the evilness that he is, but the other part of me knows that I can't get pulled back into the black abyss that is H2. I sent her some information on free legal aid in her county and told her that if she ever felt crazy and needed to talk I could help remind her she isn't the crazy one. Outside of that, I just can't. It bothered me, I felt like a bad person because of it - but I can't go down that road again. I'm over the mountain and happily skipping down the other side. I can't pull myself back up again. I've opted to leave the entire situation in the dust... no longer my circus or my monkeys. ...

We recently had the discussion that we were going to date exclusively... I'm pretty sure he had it in his head that we already were, but I needed the confirmation. I've learned that I need to learn to talk instead of just obsess in my head over what is going on. He seems to think he's pretty good at dating, which is a good thing because we have all learned that I am not. I've dated a number of guys, trying to figure out what I want in a guy and picnic concert guy (thanks to J for the new name!) seems to have those qualities. As my divorce with H2 comes to a close he has gracefully and eloquently stood by my side, even when I'm in tears. However, lets pause to get this straight... I'm not in tears because my marriage is ending I'm in tears because it was supposed to end in a till death do we part type of way. It's caused a little bit of a roller coaster of feelings of grief. I'm sure in the next number of days the grief will turn to relief as the ...

What is normal when it comes to dating? There is certainly a new normal from when I dated three years ago before H2. There is no time line as to when things should happen, something to tell me that by the third month of dating we should be exclusively dating or when it's okay to introduce a child into the mix. After two failed marriages, which I know neither were my fault, it has still caused me to overthink, to grand proportions.  I like this guy, I enjoy his company. For the past month we have been dealing with fleas in the house. Stupid buggers, I can't figure out how they haven't taken over the world because you can't kill the darn things... I finally called the vet the other day to find out what she thought and what we should do to get rid of the stupid pests. She prescribed a special flea med for the cats but they close at 5pm and there is no way I was going to get back home by 5pm. Without even hesitating he offered to go pick it up. This small act mean...

This weekend marked another fantastic date night. This is the same guy that I was a bit worried things were cooling off with since our baseball schedule was so busy, but now that things have calmed down a bit on the taxi-mom front we were able to go out and have a fantastic time. I packed a picnic - I'm not kidding you guys, seriously I pintrested (is that even a word?) the perfect picnic and did my best to recreate it. Cowboy caviar, water & wine infused with fruit in mason jars, In the process I completely overpacked, but that's nothing new. We walked on the ferry to catch an outdoor concert on the other side of the water. The concert was, well... not the best part of the date, but the people watching was great. After the concert we headed back over to our side of the water and found a spot to lay on the grass and watch the meteor shower and stars. I'm not going to lie, it was pretty darn amazing. It restored a little bit of hope that I thought had left. I came ho...

So this happened :   https://www.instagram.com/p/Blo1cWXjLr2/                                https://www.instagram.com/p/Blo1xjfjENN/ I'll completely admit it - I went back and forth about being okay with this. People are mean and trolls, I don't need that in my life. I'm not the least confident person in the world, but I'm not the most confident either. Life threw a wrench in my wheels and I'm finally overcoming that, knocking myself back down doesn't sound like a fun ride. However, there will be haters in life and that is what it is. This photo set was so amazing that sharing it with the world seemed appropriate. For the first time I went on and read the comments. They actually brought me to tears. My hope is that someone will realize that even though divorce sucks and is really tough, they'll get through it. They'll even come out a stronger person. Sometimes you just need to hear that it will ...

Via POF Message - the black is the actual message, the blue is what was going through my mind... Him: Hi how are you. I'm A**c you are beautiful Me: Hi A**c - it's nice to meet you Him: Ha, nice to meet you too. I'm at work, can I text you when i'm off hun warning, warning, warning.... do not correct his grammar, it's rude. Me: I don't text right away. I've had too many bad experiences with guys who are less than moral... i'm sorry that you have to suffer for their mistakes. I'd be happy to talk to you on here. Him: Ok, i'm not like these other guys hun. I'm retired military I work in repossession and i'm in process for Snohomish county sherriff's i'm very loving caring guy and very affectionate person. Holy cow, does this guy know what a comma or a period is? Lets change the subject and see what he says... Me: Repossession? That must be a hard job. I'm glad my car payment is in full. LOL Him: ...

Awhile ago I wrote about an amazing photo shoot I did, a wreck the dress shoot with my wedding dress from H2. While we aren't quite divorced yet, this was the most freeing thing I could have done for myself. It helped with closure and helped me get out of my own head. Here's how it went... We started out with some champagne.... Then we moved on to some paint...  Next came the red wine... Then the real fun started when the lighter fluid and scissors came out to play.. and then it burned... oh did it burn. It was a lovely sight. It actually continued to burn enough that we had to throw rocks at it and make sure it sunk and burned out! A mini celebration came after the dress sunk Photo credits go to Dani Griffin at After Midnight Photography. Follow her, love her and hire her for pictures. She is amazing... she does our family pictures too. I just got back some amazing pictures of C and I from a 50's style photo shoot! <3 <3 <3 ...

I think in every post I've written I've mentioned how busy life is. There are sometimes I look back and think dang, it would be so nice to have someone helping out. However after those moments I realize that while sometimes life deals a single parent double the hard moments, it also brings double the amazing moments. I was sitting at C's school yesterday, waiting for his violin concert to start. H1 was there - because big events he needs to post pictures and act like dad of the year at. We were just waiting for the kids to come in when out of the blue C comes running up behind us, grabs me and gives me the biggest hug. "Mom, I'm so glad your here!". He proceeds to sit down and tell me all about his worries about being on stage, what if he messes up his strings (it was plucking twinkle, twinkle... pretty sure you'll survive kid!) or what if he pukes on stage. He then plopped down next to me, wrapped his arms around my waist and rested on my shoulder to watc...

Life has been all about baseball lately, practices and games were four times a week - plus balancing cub scouts, violin, birthday parties and any other random social events makes for one heck of a busy single mom. If it wasn't busy enough we won our championship and ended up in the tournament of champions. Unfortunately yesterday was a bitter sweet eliminating loss. It's a sad it's over but happy it happened situation. I made some new friends, C had amazing experiences and we have both grown to love baseball even more. You would be amazed at how into a game one can get... especially when your kid is playing. Last week was H2 and my 2nd marriage anniversary. It hadn't really crossed my mind until the pictures showed up in my facebook feed. It was almost a trigger moment as a couple tears did manage to escape. It tried to tug me back into that dark place I was in when I was with him. Where chaos and insanity ruled and I felt like everything was always my fault. I know t...

I did it! I did the wreck the dress shoot, I went through a time where I thought for awhile I wasn't going to do it, but I did it and I'm quite pleased with myself. I have to admit, when I slipped that wedding dress back on it was a strange feeling. The thought went through my head, what the heck are you doing... but then we opened a bottle of wine and it was down hill from there. This was a lot of planning for me, I wanted it to be the perfect storm of amazingness. I ended up wearing a pair of booty shorts, thigh high stockings (with bows), a black scalloped tank top and knee high black boots under my dress, which was probably what took the most thought. We started off by taking sparkling wine and fizzing it into the air, all over me and the dress. It was my own personal celebration! We then moved on to purple and blue paint in condiment containers and gold spray paint. All over the dress, I even put it on the ground and rolled in it. After the paint we moved on to red wi...

It was 10:00 at night, I was exhausted and headed to bed when google calendar flashed me a reminder... "anniversary of first date". My eyes welled up in that raw emotion and I cried. It's been months since I've laid in bed and mourned my loss. I cried for the things that have been and the things that should have been. After about 10 minutes I realized that I was crying for a reason different from those I've cried for before. I realized that I was crying over H2, I was crying for myself, for what I felt should have been. I wasn't crying because I felt wronged or because H2 royally screwed me over. It really had very little to do with H2. I cried for what I want for myself in the future, I cried for the person I thought I had. The person I thought was my person. I took a deep breath, dried my tears, blew my nose and spent a moment looking back on myself and the journey that this has been. The things I've learned, the things I know now. The raw emotion doesn...

That's right, you read it - I'm going to have a divorce party from H2. Never before have I wanted to celebrate something like a divorce, but this time a celebration needs to commence. Sh*t went down on the divorce front at the end of last week. It included a domestic lawsuit among other things. I'm out for blood - but not the revenge type. The you screwed with the wrong girl and it's about time you paid type. I talked to a photographer friend of mine about doing a wreck the dress photo shoot. I'm in the mood to go above and beyond anything else I've done. The goal is a self empowering, I am woman watch me roar shoot. I'm even thinking of wearing black lingerie under the dress that as things get trashed it starts to show. It's WAY edgy for me, because sexy isn't usually on the list of words that I'd use to describe myself, but I think the step outside of my box would be good for me. Paint, water and fire definitely need to be involved... that ...

I admit it - I've never watched the fifty-shades series of movies. Until this weekend... The house was quiet (well, as quiet as can be with two kittens running around) since C is at H1's house for midwinter break. I had some crafting to do and decided that I would watch something adult. 50 Shades was a rental on Amazon and I thought, why not... for $3.99 even if it is THAT horrible it's not like I broke the bank renting it. So I watched it - This movie left me with a really, really off feeling. What you want to do with your sex life is what you want to do and I'm totally cool with that - however Christian Gray blasted through so many boundaries. That lifestyle is all about consent, but he consistently broke right through Anastasia's boundaries. Who the heck shows up in a girls apartment with a bottle of wine after she broke up with him or sends her flowers because he's stalking her on her first day of work. The first one ended so abruptly that I had...

This weekend was a little crazy at our house. I wasn't supposed to have my kiddo (it's H1's weekend) but ended up having him so his dad could do some computer work. I will never pass up an opportunity to hang out with C, so we headed off to the Seattle Science Center with some good friends. Saturday evening I had a date scheduled with K.  We had been talking online for awhile, that moved to text messages and then we finally met in person. We were originally going to meet on Friday night, however Friday evening turned into a cluster of things I needed to get done before Saturday. He was irritated that Friday didn't happen, I can't blame him there. I just got busy and time got away from me. Anyway, Saturday we met for dinner at Sushi Zen - an excellent sushi spot in Mill Creek. We met about 7:30, I wore jeans, boots and a t-shirt because fancy was not on the agenda for me. He had assured me on the phone that he wasn't dressing up either - that was an understat...

Evidently "Lose my number" - means find me on every social media site or dating site that you possibly can and keep emailing to George. I got a hit on Plenty of Fish this weekend from George....  Him : "I miss you already. I'm going to start a job in Everett and we should go on another date again soon" Me: "It's not going to happen George."  Thank goodness for the block button. and 90 people read my last blog... HOLY CRAP that is AWESOME!!

Oh. My. Goodness.... wait until you guys here about this one... I can't even think up an interesting name to call the guy. Lets just call him something boring, like George. George and I had plans on Saturday to go down to Brooklyn Brothers Pizza and hit up Funko. Since I had an minor oral surgery on Thursday and George had to work till one, we put off the date until Sunday. It was fine by me, I spent Saturday at home watching Netflix and doing laundry. Sunday rolled around and I put on a pair of jeans and a cute shirt, dressing up wasn't on my list of things to do. I wasn't sure what I thought of George, we had been talking for awhile and he seemed nice. I got to Brooklyn Brothers (not before shooting off a text to my wonderful neighbor letting her know where I was) and we grabbed a seat. The conversation was fine, nothing super interesting. I felt like I yammered on a bit more than usual, but it kept things going at least. The lunch was uneventful, he told me about his...

I've been texting back and forth with P for awhile now. I've had my son for the past three weekends in a row (we went winter camping in the snow, it was AMAZING) and life has been busy. Last night we were trying to ferment plans for the weekend, he offered to come over to my house with a pizza and we could watch movies and hang out.... I think that my answer was a bit harsh, but really... I know that coming over for pizza and getting to know each other (yeah, there *might* be an ulterior motive there but i'm honestly not sure at this point) sounds like a great idea, but here's the deal... I'm a single mom who lives with her nine year old son. If you think for one minute random internet guy that i'm going to let you come over and hang out at my house you have another thing coming to you. My reply to him: P: I could bring pizza and a movie to your place. Me: Really? P: Would that be cool? Me: Lets think this through... am I going to invite a man i've ne...

2017 was a rough year for me. I found out H2 (husband #2) married someone else, while we were still married. We were under contract for too many houses to count, my apartment was packed and we were moving. I found out H2 was nothing but a narcissistic con artist who got off on taking advantage of me. H2 lied to me to the point where he told me he had cancer (seriously, who lies about that!). Everytime I came near to catching on to his scheme he would light fireworks in the opposite direction and completely divert my attention. At one point my dad very articulately pointed out that H2 and Donald Trump have A LOT in common and no, that's not a good thing. I've gone from a reality where I was so on edge I thought I was losing my mind (precisely where he wanted me) to somewhere in between where I finally feel like i'm back in control of myself without having to walk on pins and needles. I've also learned that a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. At first I w...