Eat, Breathe, Sleep.... Baseball

Life has been all about baseball lately, practices and games were four times a week - plus balancing cub scouts, violin, birthday parties and any other random social events makes for one heck of a busy single mom. If it wasn't busy enough we won our championship and ended up in the tournament of champions. Unfortunately yesterday was a bitter sweet eliminating loss. It's a sad it's over but happy it happened situation. I made some new friends, C had amazing experiences and we have both grown to love baseball even more. You would be amazed at how into a game one can get... especially when your kid is playing.

Last week was H2 and my 2nd marriage anniversary. It hadn't really crossed my mind until the pictures showed up in my facebook feed. It was almost a trigger moment as a couple tears did manage to escape. It tried to tug me back into that dark place I was in when I was with him. Where chaos and insanity ruled and I felt like everything was always my fault. I know that if you haven't been there you can't understand how all of this happened, heck somedays I don't understand how all of it happened. I found this letter awhile back, it fits him perfectly...

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When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love myself through you. I love seeing myself through your eyes. I love seeing myself through my eyes imagining how I look through your eyes. I love having someone new to tell my stories to, to express my opinions, and to share my profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life. I love hearing myself say these things as I imagine how they sound to you, and how enthralled with me I imagine you are.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit. I love the way you feel on me. I love the way I feel about me when you are with me.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love not being alone. I love not being that tree falling in the forest. I love having a full-time, personal audience.

When I say I’m in love with you I mean I love being your mystery, your riddle, being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. I love being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle. I love being your answer. I love being the object of your sacrifice. I love being your pain.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with being your sun, monopolizing your orbit, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to me no matter how hard you try to jump or fly, keeping you down. Keeping you mine.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with breathing your air, sucking your blood, eating your dreams. I’m in love with being your drug, your dagger, your suicide note.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.

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I'm thankful it's over, I'm thankful he is mostly gone and out of my life. Things have settled back into the sanity that C and I are used to. I still don't understand why - but I also know I might never understand why. I've come to peace with that most days. I don't pay attention to him anymore, it makes him reach out more often wishing he still had the control over me that he once did. I got a random Facebook message from a guy with no friends wanting to "get together". He somehow knew that I was single, had a child and lived in my town. You can't tell those things from my facebook profile unless your my friend. It was H2 - I knew it from the beginning. When I told the man I was uninterested because I was "dating someone" the man was enraged. I have no doubt it was H2. He thinks he is crafty but really, I know him inside and out. I can figure him out from a mile away. It took many therapy sessions for me to realize that it was his problem and to understand that some people simply don't have a conscience. I still can't manage to wrap my head around why he would tell me he had cancer when he didn't or why he we would be under contract on a total of 12 houses in two years that never, ever closed. My garage is still packed with boxes, I haven't been able to get myself to go through them yet. It'll take time... He was my drug, my dagger, my suicide note - he painfully pushed me to the brink where I thought I was losing my mind. Panic attacks, obsessiveness... the inability to make day to day decisions, thankfully it's all in my past now. It takes me looking back on it now to realize how messed up I truly was a year ago. I've come along way, i'm proud of the person that I am. Okay, my moment of reminiscing is over.... hopefully divorce papers will be signed, settlement will be received and I can get rid of him from my life forever. I'd love to get his crap out of my garage... anyone up for a bon fire? hahahaha!

Next blog i'll take you back to your regularly broadcasted dating life. I'm actually dating someone that i'll tell you about later this week! He has nothing to do with produce and has been totally fine with us not being exclusive. Stay tuned!